Healing Doesn’t Always Look Soft: Sometimes It’s Anger, Silence, or Saying No.

When we hear the word healing, most people imagine soft music, therapy journals, candles, and gentle affirmations. But healing isn’t always calm or graceful; sometimes it’s messy, loud, or painfully quiet. For many Nigerians, healing means breaking through layers of cultural conditioning that have long demanded silence, endurance, and constant strength.

Understanding Healing Beyond Comfort

Healing is not the absence of pain; it’s the process of making meaning out of it. In therapy, we often see that clients begin healing not when they start smiling again, but when they start feeling honestly, even when those feelings are anger, frustration, or grief.

Emotional expression (including anger) plays a significant role in post-traumatic growth and psychological adjustment. Suppressed emotions, especially anger, often turn inward and show up as anxiety, irritability, or depression. In Nigeria, where cultural norms often discourage emotional vulnerability, many people are taught to internalize distress. But healing sometimes requires unlearning that emotional silence.

1. When Healing Looks Like Anger

Anger is one of the most stigmatized emotions, especially for women and young people who are told to “calm down” or “respect elders.” Yet anger is not inherently destructive. It’s often a sign that a boundary has been violated or that an injustice has gone unacknowledged.

Psychologists describe anger as a secondary emotion, one that often masks deeper feelings of hurt, fear, or shame. According to the American Psychological Association, recognizing and expressing anger constructively is essential to emotional regulation and recovery Anger - American Psychological Association .

In a Nigerian context, anger can also signal awakening, the moment someone stops accepting mistreatment or silence as normal. For example, a woman leaving a toxic relationship or an employee finally confronting workplace exploitation may be experiencing anger as a form of self-protection and self-respect.

In therapy, the goal is not to suppress anger but to listen to it. What is it trying to protect? What boundary is it defending?

2. When Healing Looks Like Silence

Silence can mean different things. Sometimes it’s withdrawal, a sign of burnout or emotional fatigue. But sometimes, silence is wisdom. It’s choosing not to engage in endless arguments, not because you have nothing to say, but because peace has become more important than being understood. In collectivist societies like Nigeria, silence is often misinterpreted as weakness. But psychological research shows that mindful silence can help regulate the nervous system, reduce stress, and foster emotional clarity.

Silence during healing can look like:

Taking a break from social media noise.
Choosing not to explain your decisions to everyone.
Sitting with your emotions before reacting.

Healing silence isn’t avoidance; it’s intentional rest. It’s your psyche saying, “I need space to breathe.”

3. When Healing Looks Like Saying No

For many Nigerians raised to prioritize family, community, and religion, saying “no” often feels like betrayal. We are socialized to overextend, emotionally, financially, and spiritually — until our personal boundaries collapse. Yet, one of the most powerful signs of healing is boundary-setting. It’s saying, “I love you, but I can’t right now.”
Research shows that people who practice assertiveness and boundary-setting have better mental health outcomes and lower stress levels (Springer link: Assertiveness and Well-being study).

Saying no can look like:

Not lending money you can’t afford to lose.
Declining a favor that jeopardizes your peace.
Choosing solitude over social obligations.

Boundaries are not rejection; they’re protection. You’re not selfish for choosing balance.

Why Healing Often Feels Uncomfortable

Psychological healing isn’t linear. The Transtheoretical Model of Change (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983) explains that growth happens in stages, from pre-contemplation (not ready for change) to maintenance (living the change).
In between are messy phases filled with resistance, relapse, and discomfort. So if your healing doesn’t look “pretty,” you’re likely doing it right.

Neuroscience also backs this up. Studies show that emotional rewiring, the process of forming new emotional responses, often triggers temporary distress as the brain learns new patterns

Healing in a Nigerian Context

In Nigeria, where community, religion, and endurance shape emotional behavior, healing can sometimes clash with expectations. People may misunderstand your withdrawal or new boundaries as pride. But part of healing is learning to hold space for misunderstanding — to honor your journey even when others don’t. The interconnection between adverse childhood experiences and the psychological well-being of emerging adults in a rural community in Lagos, Nigeria.

Practical Steps to Support Your Healing Journey:

1. Name your emotions: Write or voice-note your feelings without judgment.

One of the first steps to healing is emotional awareness. This is tied to the concept of emotional granularity, the ability to identify and label emotions precisely (e.g., “I feel disappointed” instead of a vague “I feel bad”). When you name your feelings, your brain begins to calm the limbic system (the emotional center) and activate the prefrontal cortex (the reasoning part). Writing or voice-noting your emotions helps externalize them, meaning you move them from the chaos of your mind into a form you can see and process. You’re not suppressing the emotion; you’re giving it a seat at the table. It’s like saying, “I see you, sadness. I understand where you’re coming from.” That act alone is therapeutic.

2. Seek therapy or support groups: You don’t have to do it alone.

Healing doesn’t thrive in isolation. Therapy and support groups provide safe spaces for emotional exploration, validation, and growth. A therapist helps you see patterns, while group settings remind you that your pain isn’t unique or shameful, it’s shared and survivable.

3. Take micro-breaks: Short moments of rest help the brain integrate emotional work.

Emotional healing isn’t a marathon; it’s a series of small pauses. The brain processes emotional pain in waves, not in one sitting. Micro-breaks prevent emotional burnout, which happens when you try to “heal too hard.” Whether it’s taking a walk, drinking water mindfully, or just breathing between tasks, these moments allow the nervous system to reset.

4. Celebrate emotional honesty: Healing isn’t only smiling, it's feeling.

Healing isn’t always peaceful; sometimes it’s crying, shouting, journaling, or admitting, “I’m not okay yet.” Emotional honesty means allowing the full spectrum of your feelings to exist without shame. Being emotionally honest doesn’t make you weak; it makes you whole. When you celebrate small moments of truth, like admitting you’re tired, angry, or scared, you’re honoring your humanity.

Healing is not always soft; sometimes it’s fiery, raw, or lonely. Sometimes it’s choosing silence in a world that demands constant noise. Sometimes it’s anger at injustice, or finally saying no after years of yes.

Whatever form it takes, it’s valid. It’s healing.

So, if your healing feels rough right now, take heart. You are not broken, you are becoming.