Why So Many Men Are Hurting: The Childhood Pain No One Talks About

In Nigeria, boys are often raised with a simple command: “Be strong.” But strength, as defined in many households, doesn’t include softness, crying, or admitting fear. Boys who fall are told to get up. Boys who cry are told to stop. Boys who feel too much are told to “man up.” These boys grow up. They become men. They become fathers, husbands, providers, and sometimes, they become emotionally distant, angry, withdrawn, or overwhelmed. Not because they are bad, but because they were never taught how to process pain, only how to survive it.

This article explores a quiet epidemic: how unhealed childhood trauma follows Nigerian men into adulthood, affecting their mental health, relationships, and sense of self. And more importantly, how healing can begin.

When the Past Isn’t Past: What Is Childhood Trauma?

Childhood trauma refers to experiences that overwhelm a child’s sense of safety, such as emotional neglect, physical or sexual abuse, domestic violence, bullying, or loss of a parent. But trauma is not just about what happened; it’s also about what didn’t happen, love that wasn’t given, safety that was denied, validation that never came.

In Nigeria, corporal punishment, parental emotional unavailability, and gendered expectations are often normalised. But their psychological effects can be lasting.

A study by Adewuya et al. (2016) found that adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) were significantly linked to depression and substance abuse among Nigerian university students. Another local study by Oginni et al. (2022) reported that emotional abuse and neglect during childhood were strong predictors of adult suicidal ideation in Nigerian men and women.

These findings show what many therapists in Nigeria already know: unspoken childhood pain grows into adult mental health struggles.

How Trauma Shows Up in Grown Men

1. Emotional Disconnection
   Some men can’t name what they feel, not because they lack emotion, but because they were never allowed to feel safe. “I’m fine” becomes a shield, but underneath, there’s often anxiety, shame, or grief that has no language.

2. Explosive or Suppressed Anger
   Anger becomes the emotion men are allowed to feel. But often, it’s a mask for fear, helplessness, or a deep sense of betrayal carried from childhood. This can show up in yelling, withdrawal, or even physical aggression, damaging relationships without a clear understanding of why.

3. People-Pleasing or Overcompensation
   Men who felt unloved or constantly criticized as boys may try to earn their worth through success, financial stability, or caretaking. While this looks responsible on the outside, it’s often driven by an internal belief of “I’m not enough.”
   

4. Difficulty with Intimacy and Trust
   If love in childhood came with conditions or if expressing vulnerability led to punishment, many men learn that closeness is dangerous. As adults, they may keep emotional distance even in marriages or friendships.

5. Depression, Substance Use, and Burnout
   When men don’t have the language for their pain, it often turns inward. Some use alcohol or drugs to cope, others bury themselves in work. According to WHO data on Nigeria, suicide rates in men are significantly higher than in women, despite men being less likely to seek help.

Why Nigerian Men Stay Silent

Cultural conditioning plays a major role. In many families, boys are praised for being tough and punished for being emotional. Vulnerability is seen as a sign of weakness or even sin.

Statements like:

• “You’re the man of the house now.”

• “Only girls cry.”

• “What do you mean you’re tired? You’re a man!”
  become internalised scripts. These narratives leave many men emotionally isolated, even while surrounded by people.

Add to this the pressure to succeed financially, lead spiritually, and provide emotionally (without falling apart), and the weight becomes unbearable.

The Cost of Unhealed Trauma

Unprocessed childhood trauma doesn’t disappear; it mutates. It turns into difficulty parenting one’s own children, reacting harshly in moments of stress, avoiding emotional closeness, or feeling perpetually unfulfilled, no matter how successful one becomes. In a nation where men are often the last to seek therapy, childhood trauma becomes an invisible chain passed from one generation to the next. But there is hope.

Breaking the Cycle: How Healing Begins

1. Naming the Wound
   Healing begins with honesty. Not everything you experienced in childhood was okay. Just because you survived it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt you. Start by asking: What did I need as a boy that I never got?
   

2. Talk to Someone
   Therapy is not a Western luxury; it’s a human need. There are more affordable and culturally sensitive therapy options in Nigeria today, including platforms like Ndidi. Speaking to a mental health professional can help untangle the emotional knots formed in childhood.
   

3. Use Your Faith, Don’t Hide Behind It
   Spirituality can be deeply healing, but it must allow space for pain. Talking to a faith leader and a therapist can work hand-in-hand. Even Jesus wept. Even David journaled his despair. Faith and mental health are not enemies.
   

4. Practice Self-Compassion
   You are not broken. You are not weak. You are someone who has carried too much for too long. Start small, Journal your thoughts. Sit in silence. Reparent your inner child by doing things that make you feel safe, seen, and cared for.
   

5. Support Other Men
   When one man opens up, he gives others permission to do the same.
   Build spaces where honest conversation is normalised, whether at the barber’s shop, during hangouts, or through organised men’s circles.

Conclusion: The Boy Still Lives in the Man

The boy you once were didn’t vanish; he still lives inside you. And he’s still waiting to be heard.
Not judged. Not told to man up. Just heard. By tending to his pain with compassion, you reclaim power, not just for yourself, but for future generations of men who will grow up believing strength can include softness, and that healing is a form of courage. At Ndidi, we believe Nigerian men deserve safe spaces to feel, heal, and grow.  Not just because mental health matters, but because men matter.